


no, coz, i rather weep

by Chocoaddict



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, F/F, Humor, M/M, basically almost all the pairings, crackfic af, except kuroo and kageyama and ushjima, im not even joking dont take this seriously, kinda romeo and juliet AU??, shakespeare au, this is all crack, those three are forever alone sorry, whoops everyone's gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 07:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6648628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocoaddict/pseuds/Chocoaddict
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the 1600s and Iwaizumi and Oikawa have just been casted to play the roles of Romeo and Juliet, respectively, but it's the freaking 1600s and women can't be actors so everything's just super gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue (or: the moment where oikawa realizes he's in love with iwaizumi)

**Author's Note:**

> co-written with the amazingly talented and funny nicccotine; she doesn't have an a03 account but you can go follow her on tumblr at nicccotine.tumblr.com!
> 
> title taken from shakespeare's romeo and juliet (which in that case the "coz" in the title means cousin, not because lol)
> 
> this is a shakespeare AU and is 157% crack; it's all crack. don't take it seriously lmao it's just everyone being dorks. (and oikawa being like holy shit i'm in love with iwa-chan and iwaizumi being like??? and everyone else just being like omfg just get together already!11!!!1)  
> also it's a shakespeare AU set in the 1600s but fyi everyone uses colloquial language cuz it's too hard to make them speak like a freaking shakespeare play.
> 
> and so, without further ado, here's the prologue:

It was the year 1600 and it would be a love story through the ages. 

 

Just kidding. It may have been the year 1600 but Oikawa was in no way swept up in that trembling, passionate atmosphere Shakespeare had unwittingly (or maybe not—that man was an evil genius, as Oikawa often whined to Iwaizumi) set for lovers. 

 

Still, despite their questionable competitions constant bickering, Oikawa and Iwaizumi have always made a pretty good pair of lovers. Even when they were just boys in travelling troupes. Many assumed this innate ease with onstage intimacy was simply a result of them having been childhood friends for so long. It explained their stunning performances anyways.

 

“Cesario, come,” Iwaizumi, playing Duke Orsino, said lovingly, with the uncharacteristic tone of starry-eyed passion. Well, knowing Iwaizumi, Oikawa found it incredibly uncharacteristic. Still—the audience was in awe with the stellar performance. “For you shall be while you are a man.”  _ God, Iwa-chan sounds so fucking gay _ , Oikawa silently laughed to himself, still maintaining the facade of the bashful bride. Noticing his insolence with a quick glance, Iwaizumi gripped Oikawa’s hands tighter, as if to say “Go fuck thyself”. But he took care to make sure it didn’t disrupt the performance. Likewise, Oikawa tried to keep character by plucking his pale veil, in some effort to obscure his pained smirk.

 

As the two ensured the sanctity of the script, Iwaizumi continued, somehow beautifully maintaining that passionate tone of his, with the lilt of love. “But when in other habits you are seen,” In the middle of Iwaizumi’s dramatic pause, Oikawa could still peek just a bit out of his veil to make out two figures. Two irritating figures. Just looking at them gave him a migraine. 

 

Off to the side of the stage were Kuroo and Bokuto, still in their costumes, struggling to stifle laughter at the sight of seeing Iwaizumi so lovey-dovey with his childhood friend. Thankful for the veil, Oikawa rolled his eyes. Kuroo and Bokuto never failed to fall into fits of laughter during this scene. Or really, in any scene that involved Oikawa and Iwaizumi acting intimate. Oikawa used this long pause of Iwaizumi’s to ponder. Once again, he couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

 

_ It’s not like I’m actually in love with this brute—it’s just really good acting. I guess it’s not that hard to act like his lover.  _ Oikawa cringed inwardly at the time he had to play as Ushijima’s beloved in  _ Taming of the Shrew _ .  _ Yes _ , Oikawa decided with silent conviction,  _ it’s better to be Iwaizumi’s lover. Sure, he’s fucking disgusting, but at least, once the play’s over, he’s always there, no matter what. It doesn’t sound like much, and it probably isn’t really much anyways. But still, through all those moments of him just being there, I can’t help but love—wait, I meant enjoy. I can’t help but enjoy him. It. Him. _

 

Oikawa’s eyes darted to check on Kuroo and Bokuto, only to find Kuroo pointing up at the….lights? They seemed too distracted by small talk about the lights overhead.

 

_ Weird. Anyways, it’s just easy to enjoy Iwaizumi, especially with those eyes. Even though he’s acting like some silly, impassioned lover right now, his eyes have this alluring quality. It’s like looking into the colors of nostalgia. But somehow, this nostalgia I always find (if I look long enough) lacks silly, stupid pretenses. His eyes are just so evident and true. Overall, he's always been like that; he’s my favorite constant. Not that I'm into him or anything. _

 

Laughter bubbled quietly as Oikawa thought more to himself.  _ Only a dumbass would fall in love with that brute! _

 

Iwaizumi finished his well-timed pause, “Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen.” 

 

As per the script, Iwaizumi leaned forward and Oikawa squeezed his eyes shut, mentally preparing himself for the torture ahead. To his surprise, Iwaizumi’s lips were soft (and dare Oikawa say lovely???) as they pressed against his and he found himself somewhat unwillingly—as he later claimed—melting into the kiss with a slight sigh. His breath ghosted over Iwaizumi’s mouth and Iwaizumi felt a shiver run down his spine. His arms tenderly wrapped around Oikawa’s waist as if they had a mind of their own, hands caressing the gentle curve of Oikawa’s back. In response, Oikawa pressed closer and swore he felt all the stars in the universe light up his soul and he was a supernova bursting with cold-hot flames. They were lost in bright stars and before they knew it, they were broken apart and gasping for the breath they didn’t know they’d been holding. Oikawa’s fingers had somehow ended up tangled in Iwaizumi’s short, spiky hair and the two boys were more than a couple centimeters closer than they should have been. 

 

Bells  ~~ (WEDDING BELLS) ~~ were ringing in Oikawa’s ears and he couldn’t focus on anything but Iwaizumi and the world was spinning and his heart was pounding harder and faster than a barrelling freight train on drugs and he was pretty sure his whole life was just turned on its head.

 

There was absolute silence in the audience, save for Tsukishima's “What the fuck”. 

 

Sugawara’s whisper was louder than it should have been as he murmured, almost playfully, “Daichi, why don’t you kiss me like that?” Daichi’s face turned beet red as he whispered furiously, “Suga!”  

 

Standing next to them backstage, Kageyama blinked owlishly. “What?” United by their mutual mommy and daddy instincts, Suga and Daichi quickly replied in unison, “NOTHING. GO TO YOUR  ~~ CHANGING ~~ ROOM, SON.” 

 

Despite the ruckus backstage, Oikawa remained pallid and still. Horror, mixed with realization, overcame Oikawa. In the distance, he heard a faint “Ohohooooo”.

 

_ Oh no. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thanks for reading and please let us know what you think!


	2. chapter 0.5: and so it begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is superrr short but that's because i still don't know how to use a03 and couldn't figure out how to edit chapter stuff without adding a second chapter ;-; 
> 
> side note: the ds and gameboy hadn't been invented yet so kenma just plays that cup and ball game where the string is tied to a ball and you have to get it into the cup

“Alright, listen up.” Ukai calls, the sheer volume and command of his voice making all the actors gather around him in a circle. “By popular demand, it’s been decided that the next play we’ll be doing is Romeo and Juliet.”

 

There’s a small silence as everyone digests the information. Romeo and Juliet has been played only a few times since it was written by Shakespeare, and it was performed in front of the queen, which makes it all the more daunting for the still young troupe.

 

“We’ll be holding auditions this Wednesday.” Ukai continues through the silence and everyone breaks out into mutters as soon as he announces the auditions.

 

“Why Wednesday?” Asks Bokuto, the only soul brave enough--or stupid enough-- to question Ukai. He’s given a raised eyebrow in response that holds all the dry condescension that an eyebrow can possibly hold, which has him ducking his head and promptly shutting his mouth in a show of exaggerated despair. Akaashi prays for mercy and gives Bokuto a single consoling pat on the back before he can break into loud hysterics. Which, Akaashi soon realizes, was a mistake, because Bokuto breaks into a loud shout of “AKAASHIIII” with tears of joy streaming down his face and Akaashi can only sigh and hope his newly formed migraine goes away.

 

As soon as Ukai turns to leave and disappears from the stage, the muttering becomes everyone trying to speak over each other.

 

“Who do you think Juliet and Romeo’ll be? I think Yaku-san is the perfect height for Juliet! And of course, I'd be a great Romeo.” Lev, one of the most recent additions to their troupe, grins unabashedly. Yaku kicks him in the legs and glares daggers at Lev for the height joke.

 

“Obviously Oikawa and Iwaizumi.” Kuroo answers, shooting Lev a half-amused, half-exasperated look.

 

Nishinoya snickers and not-so-subtly says “Twelfth Night” from in between a feigned fit of coughs. At this, everyone in hearing vicinity breaks out into giggles and Oikawa and Iwaizumi can only stand there, confused and annoyed.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Oikawa pouts grumpily, peeved that the whole troupe is in on some kind of inside joke except for him and Iwaizumi.

 

Iwaizumi furrows his eyebrows. “Yeah, I don’t get what’s so funny.” His tone is innocently perplexed and Hanamaki casts him a tortured look from where he’s standing on the right. Matsukawa pats boyfriend's shoulder consolingly.

 

The auditions are over more quickly than anyone could have expected, and the actors all wait nervously for the results to be announced.

 

Fortunately, those in stagecraft have the benefit of knowing everything before the actors do, even though their jobs suck most of the time.

 

The paper, sitting innocently at Ukai's desk, reads:

 

Iwaizumi Hajime-Romeo Montague

Oikawa Tooru-Juliet Capulet

 

Yachi casts a nervous glance at Kiyoko from where they're crouching as they subtly eye the paper and pretend to be sewing a few of the new costumes. “Do you think we’ll be okay?”

 

Kenma slowly looks up from his cup and ball game when he overhears Yachi’s comment. “To be honest,” he says with the utmost seriousness his standard apathetic face can portray, “There are only two things that get patrons to come to the theater: Ukai's prestige and Oikawa's prettiness”. He pauses and tilts his head slightly as if contemplating the rest of the troupe. “There's also pretty good acting, I guess.” The last part is tacked on like an afterthought and Kiyoko daintily covers her mouth to hold back her giggles while Yachi splutters, red-faced, protesting “Kenma-san!”.

 

Shrugging nonchalantly, Kenma returns to his game, even though he's already probably even better than the person who invented it.

 

Kiyoko silently notes that he never answered Yachi's question.

**Author's Note:**

> whoops this was supposed to be written entirely in past tense
> 
> thank you for reading and please let us know if you liked it/thought it was funny/can provide constructive criticsm etc.


End file.
